I Attempted Suicide - Does This Mean I'm Going to Hell? Confession at the Vatican

On this eighth episode of Moose Tracks - Locking Horns with Mental Health, I'm talking about the topic of suicide and whether or not I'm going to hell because of my attempt. Yeah, I tried to find a less blunt way of writing that, but there doesn't seem to be one.

I know that I have followers from all religious and spiritual backgrounds, and I always want to make sure I'm respecting all of my listeners. Today's topic comes from my personal experiences in a Catholic background and the many Christians/Catholics who have felt it necessary to point out to me that I am going to hell because I took an attempt on my life. So today, I felt it necessary to share my thoughts on that. Religious or not, you may find what I have to say interesting - or not. Who knows! Regardless, all are welcome!

For anyone who would like the words to the prayer I pray when times get tough, here they are:

Father God,

The darkness has taken hold me and I can’t find my way back to the light. In this moment, ending it all seems like the best option, the only option, the only way to escape. Yet, there is something in me that wants your light to snuff out the darkness. So I ask, Lord, that you would do just that. You are the only light that can shine in the darkness.

I know when I’m consumed with thoughts of death I’m believing lies from the enemy. I ask Lord that you would remind me of these truths: when I feel alone, you are with me; when I feel invisible, you see me; when I feel worthless, my value is knowing you and being known by you.

Lord, help me to understand that you are enough, because you are everything I need and more. Remind me that when I feel hopeless, you have hope in me and for me. Remind me that when I don’t have the words to cry out to you, your son Jesus is praying for me. Let this remind me that I am seen, heard and deeply loved.

I often feel out of place in this world. I don’t fit in and I’m not sure I want to. Remind me that this world is not my home and while, as your child, I will never fit in here, my time here isn’t over. Not yet. Please, give me the desire to live.

When I feel like I don’t matter, remind me that I was created with purpose. When I don’t know or understand why I feel the way I feel - remind me that you know the depth of pain in my heart, in my body and in my being. You know me better than I know myself… and yet you still love me.

When I feel like my death would go unnoticed because my life seems to go by uncelebrated, remind me that you celebrate me and that you hurt for me when I’m in this dark place. Remind me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I am worth more than I know. Remind me that this life is not mine to take. Remind me that suicide is not the only option. Remind me to love you and to love myself.

As I say these words I know in my heart that you love me and I feel incredible guilt for wanting to take the life you gave me. I feel embarrassed to admit these thoughts to you. I feel overwhelmed that you know these thoughts without my even saying them, and yet you still love me. Remind me that Jesus did not come to earth and die for me so that I could live a defeated life. Help me to desire life and to live fully in you.

In Jesus precious name, Amen.

If you'd like to be a part of the Moose Tracks community, head on over to @moosetrackspodcast  where I will be sharing tips & tricks for self care, jokes, stories, and anything & everything else related to mental health!